The Root of Ruined Relationships
I confess that I am a serial liar, serial deceiver, and a habitual keeper of secrets, and the sad realization is that’s no way to be in any kind of relationship. Ultimately, this, I believe, is the key reason why I’m so good at self sabotage in relationships.
The challenge, as I recognize it, is that we all have needs, but I’ve never been able to, for most of my life, express what it is I need, never being able to be open and honest.
I’ve never known how. And the problem is that when you keep secrets, when you don’t tell people what you need, when you don’t express your feelings in a relationship, it erodes trust.
And I’m sure you might recognize, if there’s no trust in a relationship, there is ultimately no relationship.
The Cost of Unspoken Needs
That’s where I’ve been, what I’ve done, that’s what’s happened, that’s being me. And, you know, I have needs. We all have needs. I need to be loved. I need to be recognized. I need to be appreciated, valued. I need to feel secure and need sex. There’s nothing wrong with that.
But when you deceive, when you keep secrets, the trust just goes. That’s been the key factor for me: in my need to feel loved, I’ve never been able to express what it is I wanted to feel loved.
So, in trying to work out how to feel loved, I’ve cheated, I’ve lied, I’ve manipulated, I’ve not been open and honest. That’s been one of the hardest things to recognize.
Facing the Pain of Self-Reflection
I’ve given myself such a tough time over the last few months when all this has started coming to light, decades of this habitual behavior. I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. I’m only beginning to work it out, and it’s very uncomfortable at times.
It’s downright painful. It’s very hard not to go down the road of self-loathing, just recognizing that, yeah, I’ve deceived pretty much everybody in my life, everybody who cared for me, everybody who loved me. It’s just not good.
My Mission to Stop the Cycle
So that’s my mission: to work out what I need, tell the people around me what it is I need, and be honest with myself and with them, to stop the cycle of self sabotage in relationships.
It’s not the easiest thing when you have a lifetime of deceit, keeping secrets, and not being open and honest. It’s far from easy, but that’s what I’ve got to do. Being a habitual deceiver is no way to live.
