Hello again. I’m going to try to explain a little bit about recognizing self-sabotage and how it relates to me.
The Difficulty of Recognizing Self-Sabotage and Shifting Behaviors
One of the things about self-sabotage and many ingrained behaviors, beliefs, and thought systems is they can be difficult to shift. Now, it’s only over these last few months that I’ve begun to realize that I’m a serial self-sabotager. I’m still not yet sure about how I’m going to tackle all of this.
For the last few months (at the time of writing – May 2024), I’ve been undergoing therapy. I shall continue this on a monthly basis. I have a great therapist in Auckland called Chris, and he’s helping me to work out the root of all of this stuff, much of which I’m convinced stems from my childhood, as many of our lifelong beliefs and behaviors typically do.
Acknowledging the Problem: The First Step
But the hardest part, I suppose, is the first step. One of the most difficult bits is to acknowledge that there’s something wrong here, that there’s something not quite right that could do with being addressed. I’ve been told that this is a great place to start. It’s quite a big leap to recognize self-sabotage as an issue.
In my case, recognizing that self-sabotage is just something I’m particularly skilled at and have had the best part of a lifetime of experience with. Now, I’m not suggesting that this is going to be incredibly difficult to shift, but it’s certainly going to take some work. Recognition that this is a behavior is only the first step; tackling it is going to be a different kettle of fish.
Reflecting on the Damage Done
When I realized the damage that I’ve done over the years, it was heartbreaking. I’m not just talking about the last few years; I’m talking about the last few decades. That’s quite some stuff to undo, quite some stuff to come to terms with.
There are so many things being uncovered, so many things have happened, so many scenarios I’ve been involved in where I’ve been less than good, less than a nice person. My issues have led to other people paying a high price.
A Mission to Change
So, recognizing self-sabotage is the first step: understanding that there’s something wrong, understanding that there is something that needs tackling, and then working towards a life of doing what’s right. Stopping my own self-sabotage, avoiding making a mess in my own life and damaging the lives of those around me.
That’s my mission; that’s my goal. I don’t want to carry on with this behavior anymore. Because when I realize what’s going on and recognize what’s happened, I tend not to like myself very much. I never want to get to the point where I’m not just a habitual self-sabotager but a consistent self-loather as well.
Facing Self-Loathing and Uncertainty
I’ve gone through an awful lot of self-loathing over these last few months as I begin to recognize the impact that my self-sabotage has had. I don’t want to be that person any more.
So, my mission is to work through this. Whether I get over it or not, I’m not sure, but my goal is to go through it. Whether I can fix it completely, I don’t know. It may be the case that I just work out strategies to avoid the behaviors rather than completely and totally reverse them. The short and curly of it is, I just don’t know.
Recognizing self-sabotage has opened the door to this journey. It’s uncertain, but the resolve to grow stronger through it keeps me moving forward.
