Reflecting on the Roots of Self Sabotage
I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about how I ended up where I am today. It is not an easy thing to unpack, but I have been encouraged to dig into my past to figure out what it was about my upbringing that shaped my tendencies toward self sabotage.
Understanding self sabotage has become a critical part of this journey. Looking back, I can see now that my childhood was far from ordinary, though at the time, I thought it was just how things were.
A Chaotic Childhood
Growing up, my family life was chaotic. My stepdad was a petty crook, in and out of jail, and my two brothers were taken into care.
I used to think they were just problem kids, but later I learned that social services deemed my parents incapable of properly caring for all four of us. Somehow, I was not taken away, and I still do not fully understand why.
It was not until years later that I realized how much neglect there was in our home. There were days when we went to school without breakfast because there was no food in the house. Yet, somehow, my stepdad always found money for a pint at the pub on Sundays, and my mom never missed her weekly bingo night. Cigarettes and tobacco? Never in short supply. I am not saying this to make you feel sorry for me, I am just painting the picture of what life was like.
Lacking Moral Guidance
In that environment, I grew up without a clear sense of right and wrong. Morality and ethics were not part of the conversation at home.
By my early teens, I was getting into petty crime, and not once did my parents tell me to stop. The police and magistrates, on the other hand, had plenty to say.
That lack of guidance left me with a dangerous belief: I could do whatever I wanted, and no one would call me out. There were no boundaries, no consequences, at least, not in my mind back then. This mindset laid the groundwork for my struggles with self sabotage later in life.
The Cost of Self Sabotage
Fast forward to adulthood, and that mindset has cost me dearly. I have carried this sense that the normal rules do not apply to me, that I can act without regard for others and walk away unscathed.
But life does not work that way. Understanding self sabotage has helped me see that there is always a price to pay, and for me, the highest cost has been my relationships.
Right now, I am living in Fiji, but it is not where I want to be. I have got an apartment, a place to call my own, but I am reminded every day that I would rather be somewhere else. It is a strange feeling, being in a tropical paradise and still struggling to find peace.
Therapy and Understanding Self Sabotage
I have been working with a therapist to make sense of it all. He tells me that while I have messed up plenty, I am not a messed up person. But it is hard to feel that way when I look at the trail of mistakes I have left behind.
Examining my past has been painful but necessary for understanding self sabotage. I have had to confront the anger and frustration I felt when I realized my parents did not do a great job raising me. They were selfish in many ways, and unfortunately, they passed some of that selfishness on to me and my brothers. It is not something I am proud of, but it is part of my story.
The Power of Forgiveness
One of the hardest things I have had to do is forgive my parents. They were not perfect, far from it, but I have come to accept that they did the best they knew how at the time.
Holding onto anger was not helping me; it was just fuelling my self sabotaging behaviors. So, I am trying to let it go and focus on myself, on becoming a better person, or at least a less messed up one.
I have been reading about abandonment issues, and it is possible that is part of what I am dealing with. Growing up, we did not realize we were poor or that our lives were such a mess. We thought it was normal. My brothers being taken into care should have been a clue that it was not, but as kids, we did not see it that way.
Breaking Patterns of Self Sabotage
Now, I am faced with the reality that my upbringing set a pattern, one that has been hard to break. For decades, I have acted like I could do anything, go anywhere, and hurt anyone without consequences.
But understanding self sabotage has shown me that is not true. I am responsible for my choices, and I have got to own them.
Here in Fiji, I am trying to slow down, to think through my decisions more carefully. It is not easy, especially when you are battling lifelong habits. But I am grateful for the support I have, my housemates have been incredible, and my partner, Angela, has been there for me from afar.
Moving Forward with Clarity
Ultimately, it is up to me to move forward. I have got access to help, but I am the one who has to do the work. This reflection is helping me see that I need to grow up, to start doing things the way grown ups do, thoughtfully, responsibly.
It is a process, and some days are harder than others. But I am trying. I am taking it one step at a time, hoping that by understanding where I came from and how self sabotage has shaped my life, I can figure out how to get to where I want to be.
